oh... I see thats how I feel about a lot of the food that comes out of those machines best just flushed down a damn toilet
[But yeah, onto more serious topics.]
I guess I could sugarcoat it but I feel like it wouldnt really be the best thing in the end some crushes do go away when you get some space from that person but some just get stronger yeah? so if thats what you think might be happening its tricky
ok, just, try not to die, youre cool and I'd be super bummed
so uh... not your usual type how? why is it freaking you out if you dont mind me asking
and no dude were friends right? I'm here to help you out
Dude I trust you not to sugarcoat stuff. It seems like that's the type of thing we got goin for us?
I'm not literally dying, at least not anytime soon so you don't gotta cry over me too much bro. You think I could leave you alone? Get real.
Cause like... you know you think you always have some sorta ideal type, or at least all those video games and tv shows always kinda encourage that, right? So you grow up thinkin' you're all one way. Yeah, I like a girl that's smarter than me, someone who's funny and can make me run circles around her, someone that makes me wanna be a better person and not so dumb all the time, a good person and someone you can rely on all the time. And then the physical traits too, of course, right? Blond, killer smile, cute...
So what if they had all that stuff but there's one big thing that you're havin' trouble getting over and it that makes you think you didn't really understand yourself all that well to begin with
[He can't make any promises about not crying over you, though. Or about you. Or for you. He has no control over that aspect of himself.]
wow you put a lot of thought into that I dont think I ever got it down to a uh... specific formula like that but yeah I think I know what you mean?
its ok dude you dont gotta go somewhere specific, were just talkin
well how big and bad is that one thing though you said theyre a good person right so its not like theyre a murderer or anything does it really override all the other stuff?
[He's starting to have an idea, but Ryuji's gonna have to tell him.
(Also Akira has literally seen Ryo kill people and is still with him, so.)]
Generally, even though it's kinda recent, I think about a lot of the bullshit stuff we've been told all our lives that we should believe. Maybe it's just bein' a teenager or maybe it's just I'm so fed up of people tellin' me what type of life I ought to be living and not thinking about what type of life I wanna lead myself.
And it's big, but it ain't bad. I know it shouldn't matter but I've just never really thought about myself feelin' this way to someone before
I mean
Whatever, screw it, if I can't even be honest with myself what's the point
It's with another dude and I'm really fucking scared about that
[They perceived this a bit differently. Though he fit the mold now, Akira hadn't been a delinquent for very long — before this he'd spent sixteen years of his life projecting an outward quiet contentedness with his lot in life, and why shouldn't he be? There were things that were inconvenient, others that were unorthodox, but he had a good place to go home to and good people to take care of him.
Even with demons driving a wedge between people, he'd struggled to grasp his own perceptions of people, of society, of the world itself. His brain didn't really work on that scope. He saw people — individuals — and he saw the struggles of their hearts; ever one who couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Anyways, this isn't even on topic, but there's a part of him that understands what Ryuji's talking about, but another which struggles to. He'd only crash-landed into his own agency a short while ago, and even then, he delegates most of it to Ryo.
He waits until Ryuji's done. He'd thought something along those lines, but... He's happy he told him — honored in a way, actually. Akira hadn't really filled this role for very many people; outside of Ryo and Miki, he hadn't really been flush for friends.]
thanks for telling me dude I'm pretty sure I know how you feel, in a way at least
so why exactly are you scared? you were talkin about what people are telling you and expecting of you and all that do you worry about them? about what they might think or say? or are you surprised because youre different than you thought you were
[Akira's pretty convincing at it otherwise, though. He appears like he's always been this way, and in some regards, Ryuji feels like they're both pretty similar in temperament. The difference being, of course, that slow mechanic of time that sets them deeply apart. Ryuji's been through a lot; been let down more times than he can count, and every time it happens, he tries to push through it. He's not blessed, even though he's pretty convinced that he is, and has seen himself grow from someone who took the world as it was to being someone who wanted to look at it differently enough so that he could change it.
So the actual differences between the two are what provides perspective. Something has to change- something had to have changed for Akira to get him to the point where he is today- and even as Ryuji opens up to him, he feels particularly vulnerable. You don't grow up being the person Ryuji Sakamoto becomes ever wanting to feel that way.]
I kinda opened the door when I pried about you 'n Ryo-yo, but like. Yeah. Thanks for being cool about it. About everything, really. I wish I was brave as you to own up to your own feelings and shit but it's just something I've never been great at.
Screw what other people think, that shit doesn't bother me at all
You gotta live life the way you want to live it, right? I should probably take my own words here, but if other people don't like you, eff 'em. You don't gotta prove anything to anyone.
Which is
It's dumb since
Arghhh
This is so stupid I dunno how to put it into words!
It's just that like... I've always kinda wondered if I am? You know? And I've spent so long telling myself that I'm not and I don't know why I started doin' that shit to begin with. So I'm just angry. I'm so goddamn angry at myself for being this way.
[That was just the nature of the particular transformation he had undergone. It's not as though he'd lost something or gained something - it was more like he'd just realized he'd only been a vessel half-full his entire life, and then he was filled up to capacity with something else, and then mixed thoroughly into a cocktail that was neither entirely what he or that other something were before. It kinda scares him sometimes, the thought that he'd never really be exactly that person ever again, but, well.
That's a conversation for another day.
For every other person that wasn't Akira Fudo, to be open and honest was to be vulnerable. But Akira had always presented that vulnerability to the world, wearing its judgments, inviting them rather than hiding from them. It'd been his paradoxical armor against criticism and ridicule. He is simply uniquely equipped to deal with conversations like this.]
yeah of course ryuji and well... "brave" is a nice thing to call it, but Ive always been kinda reckless with stuff like this it doesnt always go well but I kinda lucked out this time
[He probably would have shriveled up and expired if Ryo had actually rebuffed him, when he'd asked -
He reads carefully, inwardly digests, plans out what he says far more than he might usually (which is: not at all).]
its not stupid your heart doesnt think in words like your brain does makes it hard to figure out sometimes
yeah I know the feeling, really
so youre angry that you didnt let yourself think this way for so long?
[Just making sure he's not angry at himself for likin' guys, because if that's the case, he's going to have to track him down and shoosh him out of that.]
I mean... yeah. Usually bravery is just a label you apply after trying something really effin' reckless and it working. Sacrifice is when it ain't.
[#I'm14andthisisdeep]
Shit this stuff can't ever be easy, huh?
Usually speakin' it's easier to just let your heart do the talkin'. That's how impulse works, right?
Angry at myself, yeah. I kinda think all the times I've been really into people, I was probably not bein' true to myself? Or maybe I was, I dunno. Maybe it's just all bets are off since I've never really thought anything could work out between me and another guy. But thinkin' about that, maybe I always did? Just told myself I didn't.
really? idk dude I wouldnt beat yourself up about that. maybe you really were into them at the time, maybe you might not be as much now. shit just kinda happens and youre still figuring stuff out right? it always kinda sucks in retrospect but you couldntve known better. I mean I feel kinda frustrated about just kinda not thinkin about how I felt about ryo for as long as I did but whatre you gonna do at least youre startin to get it figured out now
But hindsights 20/20 anyway, so like. Sure, it musta been frustrating to look back on it and be all like SHIT DUDE WHY DIDNT I FEEL THIS WAY or like WHY DIDNT I KNOW I FEEL THIS WAY about 'em, but... yeah. It's done, right? You gotta forge a path forward, not backward. Which honestly, same
spendin too much time dwelling on the pastll just keep you from focusing on what you should do next
well if you realized that you do, like yeah thats usually the next step, if you wanted to do anything about it and it sounds like you do
its never not gonna be scary dude puttin yourself in a place where stuff could get weird or change is terrifying but if you wanna act on how you feel, you gotta do it because hey, maybe he feels the same way and it all works out?
dude I'm literally in the middle of this whole similar thing so idk what kinda advice I can give
you kiss him I guess?? if you both want to?
[And other stuff, but... part of him doubts everyone moves as quickly as he and Ryo had. Uh.]
not much has to change you can just hang out the same as you usually do you just know that you both like one another like I said, it doesnt feel that different...
Whatdya mean you're like the frontier pioneer in ye old gold rush. Except the gold rush is just getting guys to kiss you and you set out on the trail a full year before I did. I gotta learn from my senpai explorers y'know?
[Didn't Ryo and Akira have sexual tension before even coming here? That was bound to happen. Maybe? Probably.
Is there a storm cloud reading this text right now?]
But that's comfortin'
Don't really want much to change anyway
I just want him to know that like. Y'know. I think about him a lot and
I'd pretty much do anything to protect him if it came down to it
[Holy shit... he's so glad no one's around to see him stare at his smartwatch absolutely flustered at that comment. He rubs against his ear with his wrist. Man.
Akira's pretty great.]
Yeah I guess I mean
These lips are ready for puckering
Gonna pucker them mad tight
So puckered that it's like I ate somethin' sour
And then kiss...
Man this sure is weird
Also hey
You're pretty effin cool man. Like. Shit, I wish we knew each other when we were younger. Maybe we'd both have bfs a lot sooner. Or end up in juvie together. I'm pretty cool with either.
[This is unfortunately just a side-effect of being around Akira; the guy has no inhibitions when it comes to displays of affection either verbal or physical, and this is often the result.
He's been around Ryo so long, he forgets other people have more pronounced reactions to this type of thing.]
haha okay okay woah there tiger yeah just take it one step at a time and I'm sure youll be fine it is kinda weird at first though yeah
[Because sometimes those steps go a lot faster than you would think and then you're left in the aftermath with a lot to process, mentally and emotionally.
Speaking of emotionally - he's always a little surprised at open declarations like that, being used to someone on Ryo's speed (as in: none at all), but... it's nice. He's grinning ear to ear as he replies.]
thanks dude I think youre really cool too though tbh things wouldve been a lot different if youdve met me when I was younger I'm pretty sure neither of those things wouldve happened but it wouldve been interesting at least
[Dude, you can't just insinuate things to Ryuji like that. His entire world is the whole perception equals reality type of thing, and besides. If you're going to hypeman him up, he's gon' be hyped. He's too easy to both excite and play along with dumb antics.
But either way, that need to process things will probably come a lot slower. Intimacy for Ryuji right now is holding hands- anything more than that and he'd probably crash, burn, and then be magically reborn. Thanks, station.]
So what is the suggested timeline? How does this shit work anyway
[Rip.]
Yeah? Thanks, dude! As long as I can bring a little spontaneity and enjoyment to your life, either way, I'm pretty chill with any outcome.
[He's just not used to following people flying off the handle like you, Ryuji... He will learn soon enough.
But that's probably for the best. Especially since Ryuji and his potential suitor didn't have over ten years of very intense and complicated ~*emotions to work through all at once.]
I'm not really sure I can suggest that for you it could be totally fuckin different because the situations are different just do what feels right and dont push yourself to someplace you might feel weird just because you feel like you should or you gotta if you do that and the other persons into it then youre golden
[They might be getting ahead of themselves, huh.]
well hell yeah of course this place would get way too boring without a little unpredictability in fact I think people are gonna rely on us to keep things from gettin too stale tbh
Aight, pretty good advice all around. I'll just... uh...
Continue bein' myself and letting things happen the way that they do and hope for the best, yeah?
Dude I don't think anything here could possibly go stale. I bet in like a month we're gonna be invited to some bullshit ghost wedding that we can crash.
yeah good. sounds good and if you ever need help just let me know :) I can talk you up so much this guyll feel like a damn idiot for not goin out with you on the spot
ghost wedding? yeah that sounds pretty sweet actually as long as they were cool ghosts they would probably throw a really fuckin cool wedding reception either that or theyd try to kill us
Aight man I'll let you know if I need a wingman. You'll be the first one I call, hands down. Can't even avoid the glaringly good vibe I'm gettin from it right now
And uh
Yeah
They'd try to kill us
I mean look what they've done already, you think they'd want some bone bags showing up and eating their ghost cake without their ghost permission and gettin' all drunked up as shit on their ghost booze?
yessss good I'll wingman the hell out of you. the guy wont know what hit him
I mean yeah probably hey I was just tryin to give them the benefit of the doubt?
but youre right if theyre ghosts though this is probably their place right? they mightve been the people livin here before we all showed up so were kinda bein bad guests I really think we should just try to talk it out with em
I mean if you want to we could do that I can be very menacing if I wanna be you could be the knight in shining armor for him hed swoon so hard neither of you would know what to do
[Dave could actually possibly kick Akira's ass. Jury's out on that.]
never really talked to a ghost before usually if somethin wants to talk to you it will just make it happen
[Or it'll just want to kill you, and it'll try to make that happen.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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thats how I feel about a lot of the food that comes out of those machines
best just flushed down a damn toilet
[But yeah, onto more serious topics.]
I guess I could sugarcoat it but I feel like it wouldnt really be the best thing in the end
some crushes do go away when you get some space from that person but
some just get stronger yeah? so if thats what you think might be happening
its tricky
ok, just, try not to die, youre cool and I'd be super bummed
so uh... not your usual type how? why is it freaking you out
if you dont mind me asking
and no dude were friends right?
I'm here to help you out
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I'm not literally dying, at least not anytime soon so you don't gotta cry over me too much bro. You think I could leave you alone? Get real.
Cause like... you know you think you always have some sorta ideal type, or at least all those video games and tv shows always kinda encourage that, right? So you grow up thinkin' you're all one way. Yeah, I like a girl that's smarter than me, someone who's funny and can make me run circles around her, someone that makes me wanna be a better person and not so dumb all the time, a good person and someone you can rely on all the time. And then the physical traits too, of course, right? Blond, killer smile, cute...
So what if they had all that stuff but there's one big thing that you're havin' trouble getting over and it that makes you think you didn't really understand yourself all that well to begin with
Ah shit, I don't know where I'm goin with this
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I've just never been the best at lying, so
well good
[He can't make any promises about not crying over you, though. Or about you. Or for you. He has no control over that aspect of himself.]
wow you put a lot of thought into that
I dont think I ever got it down to a uh... specific formula like that but yeah I think I know what you mean?
its ok dude you dont gotta go somewhere specific, were just talkin
well how big and bad is that one thing though
you said theyre a good person right so its not like theyre a murderer or anything
does it really override all the other stuff?
[He's starting to have an idea, but Ryuji's gonna have to tell him.
(Also Akira has literally seen Ryo kill people and is still with him, so.)]
no subject
And it's big, but it ain't bad. I know it shouldn't matter but I've just never really thought about myself feelin' this way to someone before
I mean
Whatever, screw it, if I can't even be honest with myself what's the point
It's with another dude and I'm really fucking scared about that
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Even with demons driving a wedge between people, he'd struggled to grasp his own perceptions of people, of society, of the world itself. His brain didn't really work on that scope. He saw people — individuals — and he saw the struggles of their hearts; ever one who couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Anyways, this isn't even on topic, but there's a part of him that understands what Ryuji's talking about, but another which struggles to. He'd only crash-landed into his own agency a short while ago, and even then, he delegates most of it to Ryo.
He waits until Ryuji's done. He'd thought something along those lines, but... He's happy he told him — honored in a way, actually. Akira hadn't really filled this role for very many people; outside of Ryo and Miki, he hadn't really been flush for friends.]
thanks for telling me dude
I'm pretty sure I know how you feel, in a way at least
so why exactly are you scared?
you were talkin about what people are telling you and expecting of you and all that
do you worry about them? about what they might think or say?
or are you surprised because youre different than you thought you were
no subject
So the actual differences between the two are what provides perspective. Something has to change- something had to have changed for Akira to get him to the point where he is today- and even as Ryuji opens up to him, he feels particularly vulnerable. You don't grow up being the person Ryuji Sakamoto becomes ever wanting to feel that way.]
I kinda opened the door when I pried about you 'n Ryo-yo, but like. Yeah. Thanks for being cool about it. About everything, really. I wish I was brave as you to own up to your own feelings and shit but it's just something I've never been great at.
Screw what other people think, that shit doesn't bother me at all
You gotta live life the way you want to live it, right? I should probably take my own words here, but if other people don't like you, eff 'em. You don't gotta prove anything to anyone.
Which is
It's dumb since
Arghhh
This is so stupid I dunno how to put it into words!
It's just that like... I've always kinda wondered if I am? You know? And I've spent so long telling myself that I'm not and I don't know why I started doin' that shit to begin with. So I'm just angry. I'm so goddamn angry at myself for being this way.
no subject
That's a conversation for another day.
For every other person that wasn't Akira Fudo, to be open and honest was to be vulnerable. But Akira had always presented that vulnerability to the world, wearing its judgments, inviting them rather than hiding from them. It'd been his paradoxical armor against criticism and ridicule. He is simply uniquely equipped to deal with conversations like this.]
yeah of course ryuji
and well... "brave" is a nice thing to call it, but Ive always been kinda reckless with stuff like this
it doesnt always go well but I kinda lucked out this time
[He probably would have shriveled up and expired if Ryo had actually rebuffed him, when he'd asked -
He reads carefully, inwardly digests, plans out what he says far more than he might usually (which is: not at all).]
its not stupid
your heart doesnt think in words like your brain does
makes it hard to figure out sometimes
yeah
I know the feeling, really
so youre angry that you didnt let yourself think this way for so long?
[Just making sure he's not angry at himself for likin' guys, because if that's the case, he's going to have to track him down and shoosh him out of that.]
no subject
[#I'm14andthisisdeep]
Shit this stuff can't ever be easy, huh?
Usually speakin' it's easier to just let your heart do the talkin'. That's how impulse works, right?
Angry at myself, yeah. I kinda think all the times I've been really into people, I was probably not bein' true to myself? Or maybe I was, I dunno. Maybe it's just all bets are off since I've never really thought anything could work out between me and another guy. But thinkin' about that, maybe I always did? Just told myself I didn't.
no subject
damn dude
yeah
[Ryuji's full of surprises.]
nah
that would defeat the point probably
really? idk dude I wouldnt beat yourself up about that. maybe you really were into them at the time, maybe you might not be as much now. shit just kinda happens and youre still figuring stuff out right?
it always kinda sucks in retrospect but you couldntve known better. I mean I feel kinda frustrated about just kinda not thinkin about how I felt about ryo for as long as I did but
whatre you gonna do
at least youre startin to get it figured out now
no subject
But hindsights 20/20 anyway, so like. Sure, it musta been frustrating to look back on it and be all like SHIT DUDE WHY DIDNT I FEEL THIS WAY or like WHY DIDNT I KNOW I FEEL THIS WAY about 'em, but... yeah. It's done, right? You gotta forge a path forward, not backward. Which honestly, same
I dunno
I guess I owned up to liking him
I don't even know what I'm s'posed to do next
Tell him? Shit that sounds
Absolutely effin terrible
no subject
well if you realized that you do, like
yeah thats usually the next step, if you wanted to do anything about it
and it sounds like you do
its never not gonna be scary dude
puttin yourself in a place where stuff could get weird or change is terrifying
but if you wanna act on how you feel, you gotta do it
because hey, maybe he feels the same way and it all works out?
no subject
And if he does like me back
I didn't even think what you're s'posed to do AFTER THAT
Why am I like
The most unequipped person ever for this shit
no subject
you kiss him I guess?? if you both want to?
[And other stuff, but... part of him doubts everyone moves as quickly as he and Ryo had. Uh.]
not much has to change
you can just hang out the same as you usually do
you just know that you both like one another
like I said, it doesnt feel that different...
[For him, at least.]
no subject
[Didn't Ryo and Akira have sexual tension before even coming here? That was bound to happen. Maybe? Probably.
Is there a storm cloud reading this text right now?]
But that's comfortin'
Don't really want much to change anyway
I just want him to know that like. Y'know. I think about him a lot and
I'd pretty much do anything to protect him if it came down to it
no subject
I'll try to help when I can but first we gotta get you a guy you can kiss right?
[shhh we don't discuss the gay storm cloud that's definitely reading all of these texts, if not now, certainly later.]
aw
ryuji
thats so fuckin cute haha
I think this guyd have to be a moron not to appreciate that
no subject
Akira's pretty great.]
Yeah I guess I mean
These lips are ready for puckering
Gonna pucker them mad tight
So puckered that it's like I ate somethin' sour
And then kiss...
Man this sure is weird
Also hey
You're pretty effin cool man. Like. Shit, I wish we knew each other when we were younger. Maybe we'd both have bfs a lot sooner. Or end up in juvie together. I'm pretty cool with either.
this is so cute i hate it
He's been around Ryo so long, he forgets other people have more pronounced reactions to this type of thing.]
haha okay okay
woah there tiger
yeah just take it one step at a time and I'm sure youll be fine
it is kinda weird at first though yeah
[Because sometimes those steps go a lot faster than you would think and then you're left in the aftermath with a lot to process, mentally and emotionally.
Speaking of emotionally - he's always a little surprised at open declarations like that, being used to someone on Ryo's speed (as in: none at all), but... it's nice. He's grinning ear to ear as he replies.]
thanks dude I think youre really cool too
though tbh things wouldve been a lot different if youdve met me when I was younger
I'm pretty sure neither of those things wouldve happened but
it wouldve been interesting at least
i, in fact, love it
But either way, that need to process things will probably come a lot slower. Intimacy for Ryuji right now is holding hands- anything more than that and he'd probably crash, burn, and then be magically reborn. Thanks, station.]
So what is the suggested timeline? How does this shit work anyway
[Rip.]
Yeah? Thanks, dude! As long as I can bring a little spontaneity and enjoyment to your life, either way, I'm pretty chill with any outcome.
no subject
But that's probably for the best. Especially since Ryuji and his potential suitor didn't have over ten years of very intense and complicated ~*emotions to work through all at once.]
I'm not really sure I can suggest that for you
it could be totally fuckin different because the situations are different
just do what feels right and dont push yourself to someplace you might feel weird just because you feel like you should or you gotta
if you do that and the other persons into it then youre golden
[They might be getting ahead of themselves, huh.]
well hell yeah of course
this place would get way too boring without a little unpredictability
in fact I think people are gonna rely on us to keep things from gettin too stale tbh
no subject
Continue bein' myself and letting things happen the way that they do and hope for the best, yeah?
Dude I don't think anything here could possibly go stale. I bet in like a month we're gonna be invited to some bullshit ghost wedding that we can crash.
Like in that movie
But cooler
Bc we're cooler
no subject
good. sounds good
and if you ever need help just let me know :)
I can talk you up so much this guyll feel like a damn idiot for not goin out with you on the spot
ghost wedding?
yeah that sounds pretty sweet actually
as long as they were cool ghosts
they would probably throw a really fuckin cool wedding reception
either that or theyd try to kill us
no subject
And uh
Yeah
They'd try to kill us
I mean look what they've done already, you think they'd want some bone bags showing up and eating their ghost cake without their ghost permission and gettin' all drunked up as shit on their ghost booze?
[Why does anyone let these two talk.]
no subject
good
I'll wingman the hell out of you. the guy wont know what hit him
I mean
yeah probably
hey I was just tryin to give them the benefit of the doubt?
but youre right
if theyre ghosts though this is probably their place right? they mightve been the people livin here before we all showed up
so were kinda bein bad guests
I really think we should just try to talk it out with em
[why indeed]
no subject
Or maybe you should
Then I can swoop in like a big brawny meat shield and take the blow for him
Naaaaaaaah I'm just kiddin' I know what you mean
Anyway, if you know how to speak to ghosties, by all means dude pencil me in for that wicked ass seance
no subject
idk if he could recover from that
I mean if you want to we could do that
I can be very menacing if I wanna be
you could be the knight in shining armor for him
hed swoon so hard neither of you would know what to do
[Dave could actually possibly kick Akira's ass. Jury's out on that.]
never really talked to a ghost before
usually if somethin wants to talk to you it will just make it happen
[Or it'll just want to kill you, and it'll try to make that happen.]
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