[He takes a moment to coalesce what it is he wants to say.]
you know what ryuji? youre right. you dont get the whole picture
I've known ryo for over ten years. hes always been different. when we were kids, people tried over and over to understand him or get him to do what they want but it never worked the way they wanted it. I'm not even sure how many of those bastards even cared about actually helping him but I've always been able to tell how he feels without him having to tell me because maybe he just... can't and its not perfect and I dont always know what I'm doing but its been a really long time and it seems to work its better than other people tryin to force him into something just cause thats how people are "supposed" to be
so if you think you know better than me, fine, I'll listen I dont know a whole lot of things but when it comes to ryo, I know better than anyone
[This is why friendships with chariots can be hard as fuck. They're both stubborn as shit and persistent and protective over the people they love.]
Dude...
This is literally what you said to me and I'm just pasting exactly what you told me:
>>@dabil [22:53] usually he just seems kinda annoyed with me and then it goes away so I just kinda let it go
If that's seriously what you're going through, no matter how much or how long you've known someone for, it's messed up. I'm not even sayin that like... whatever, you don't have to be in a conventional relationship by anyone's standards, you are totally cool doing and being whatever the hell you wanna be bc that's how life is?
But like
If you're in a relationship with someone and they're angry at you and won't tell you why so you just make it by and figure it'll get better by itself, it ain't? You gotta tell him that. Before it gets worse. And yeah, I kinda do know a lot about this shit
Fuck, I saw my mom go through it for the first 12 years of my life
dont fucking copy and paste me dude I know what I said
I said "annoyed," which is a long ways away from being really truly pissed about something, and "usually," for something that only happens every once in a while anyway because sometimes people just do stuff that annoys you and then you get over it and its not a big fucking deal?
that really sucks and I'm sorry dude but I just think youre blowing what I'm saying out of proportion
regardless all of this shit has literally happened in the last 48 hours and I'm still working through a lot of stuff and this is just making me stressed so can you just drop it for right now
You're probably right, I got a way of overreacting. Sorry, man it's just
I've been around a LOT OF bad shit when it comes to this stuff and it's so goddamn upsetting when it happens to someone you care about, y'know?
[His parents, Ann and Kamoshida, Kamoshida and Shiho, that weird S&M relationship, the stalker, the little brother who was manipulating his older brother... it happened over and over again, the signs are always too fresh in his mind. Too many hearts had to be stolen to correct how shitty human beings really were. Too much distrust in people to chill out over.]
If you think it's okay, I shouldn't go and question you or anything on it
[Unfortunately, Akira has a blind spot for Ryo. So even if what Ryuji thought was true (and it even is, at least in certain parts), he wouldn't believe him, and it would only aggravate him.
People - both adults and children - had treated Ryo so terribly when they were kids. They still seemed to regard him odd, separating him from themselves, unsure of how to deal with him. There's a bit of that he thinks can't really be helped, but he's just defensive; he just wants other people to see him the way he does.]
its ok ryuji youre just worried for me. I get it... and that means a lot. thanks
so I guess I wasnt super truthful with you we are together? ish we just havent really talked about it so I dont really know what to call it so uh keep it between us for now ok?
[Ryuji also knows that relationships are weird, that the people in them can be genuinely good people but do dumb things in them. Not that he's ever been in that situation, the stunningly handsome mare of a virgin himself, but... it's also true that there are a lot of sides to things that might not make sense at the moment.
He trusts Akira, weirdly enough- and he'll leave it at that.]
Listen, man... I definitely DON'T wanna beat a dead horse here but if it ever gets too rough and you just need a place to chill, room 4.28 is always open. I'll always be here for you, kay? Even if it's just to like... hang out and talk about... I dunno, what horrible goddamn food there is on the station.
[You will have your day some time soon, Ryuji... You are a good and beautiful man, and Akira will make sure you find someone who will treat you real nice.]
alright I'll keep that in mind thanks dude if we do decide to have a hangout session remind me to bring some of the food I still got stashed away youre homesick for Japanese food right?
[It'd taken an enormous amount of self-control, but he'd rationed out the konbini food he'd found in his room. If he were home, he would've eaten it all in one sitting, but here, without the promise of more, he has to be miserly.]
hm I dont know its kinda hard to explain like I knew the guy years and years ago when we were kids and then he moved away and only came back like a few weeks ago I've... always cared about him you know? and then we were back together again and I felt so much better with him around it just kinda came out of that I guess maybe I'd always held a torch for him and I just now realized hed even be interested in that
yeah man I got some konbini food but like lets just not eat it all at once because idk when I'll get more? I got some chocolate and some ramen left I think
[He'd only gotten like five items to begin with. ): He wants crates of the stuff.]
haha hell yeah I am I mean he might be idk
[Wait. No. Oops.]
no I mean I guess I mightve had a crush on him for a long time I just didnt really realize it until kinda recently
I think there's some sorta ghost that lives in the sewage system. Dave and me flushed a burrito down once and now I think we're payin' for that shitty transgression.
[They needed to exorcise the demons that lived in there. They'd seen too many horrors and had a vengeful heart.]
I kinda agree man
I mean, back home I didn't have much goin' for me anyway, you know? At least here I get to hang out with my friends and keep bein' there for everyone.
And
I dunno
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's the whole world of just kinda liking someone and thinkin' they're neat. But not doin' anything about it since it's just... y'know a crush. You know it'd never work out so you never try? Is that weird?
And then there's the world where you don't even wanna think about it and you end up thinkin' about it anyway and you go around just wanting it more and more everyday?
yeah... that would probably do it why the hell did you waste a perfectly good burrito down the tubes??
[Akira's got some experience dealing with demons, but he isn't sure he wants to go grapplin' with one that lives in the septic system.]
yeah home was kinda a mess for me so
[He still worries about Miki and her family every day, but it's not like he can do anything about it. The powerlessness is infuriating, but what could he do, with millions of light-years separating them?]
I dont think thats weird its scary especially when you dont wanna weird them out but
yeah I know what you mean
[He himself had done the exact same thing until the pressure of it had overwhelmed the apprehension, the shred of possibility far too tantalizing to allow to escape.]
if its at that sort of point it aint gonna get any better not in my experience anyway I guess you gotta think instead about why you dont wanna think about it see if thats even worth anything and then make a decision from there because unfortunately with shit like this it can end up hurting either way but at least if you take a chance theres a possibility it will work out you know? otherwise youre just always gonna think about the "what if"
Cause it was an abomination to burrito kind. Half formed, weird tasting, food fabricator bullshit
I guess I'm kinda getting used to the protein slop
You could probably just slam it all on a plate, close your eyes and it'll taste the same no matter what you asked it to make
Which sucks
[Okay, but not talking about food for a second--]
You think so?
It's only gonna get worse...
Man, it's so goddamn nerve wracking
Like I can deal with rejection
I CAN TOTALLY DEAL WITH REJECTION
I've been rejected so many times before it ain't even funny
But I think this one? If it happens... I dunno... I feel like it'll really kill me.
And the feelings themselves are really confusing because this is... I mean it's DEFINITELY not my type of person that I usually find myself attracted to, y'know? And that alone is also kinda freaking me the hell out?
Sorry, I'm just a mess of anxiety over it, in the end
oh... I see thats how I feel about a lot of the food that comes out of those machines best just flushed down a damn toilet
[But yeah, onto more serious topics.]
I guess I could sugarcoat it but I feel like it wouldnt really be the best thing in the end some crushes do go away when you get some space from that person but some just get stronger yeah? so if thats what you think might be happening its tricky
ok, just, try not to die, youre cool and I'd be super bummed
so uh... not your usual type how? why is it freaking you out if you dont mind me asking
and no dude were friends right? I'm here to help you out
Dude I trust you not to sugarcoat stuff. It seems like that's the type of thing we got goin for us?
I'm not literally dying, at least not anytime soon so you don't gotta cry over me too much bro. You think I could leave you alone? Get real.
Cause like... you know you think you always have some sorta ideal type, or at least all those video games and tv shows always kinda encourage that, right? So you grow up thinkin' you're all one way. Yeah, I like a girl that's smarter than me, someone who's funny and can make me run circles around her, someone that makes me wanna be a better person and not so dumb all the time, a good person and someone you can rely on all the time. And then the physical traits too, of course, right? Blond, killer smile, cute...
So what if they had all that stuff but there's one big thing that you're havin' trouble getting over and it that makes you think you didn't really understand yourself all that well to begin with
[He can't make any promises about not crying over you, though. Or about you. Or for you. He has no control over that aspect of himself.]
wow you put a lot of thought into that I dont think I ever got it down to a uh... specific formula like that but yeah I think I know what you mean?
its ok dude you dont gotta go somewhere specific, were just talkin
well how big and bad is that one thing though you said theyre a good person right so its not like theyre a murderer or anything does it really override all the other stuff?
[He's starting to have an idea, but Ryuji's gonna have to tell him.
(Also Akira has literally seen Ryo kill people and is still with him, so.)]
Generally, even though it's kinda recent, I think about a lot of the bullshit stuff we've been told all our lives that we should believe. Maybe it's just bein' a teenager or maybe it's just I'm so fed up of people tellin' me what type of life I ought to be living and not thinking about what type of life I wanna lead myself.
And it's big, but it ain't bad. I know it shouldn't matter but I've just never really thought about myself feelin' this way to someone before
I mean
Whatever, screw it, if I can't even be honest with myself what's the point
It's with another dude and I'm really fucking scared about that
[They perceived this a bit differently. Though he fit the mold now, Akira hadn't been a delinquent for very long — before this he'd spent sixteen years of his life projecting an outward quiet contentedness with his lot in life, and why shouldn't he be? There were things that were inconvenient, others that were unorthodox, but he had a good place to go home to and good people to take care of him.
Even with demons driving a wedge between people, he'd struggled to grasp his own perceptions of people, of society, of the world itself. His brain didn't really work on that scope. He saw people — individuals — and he saw the struggles of their hearts; ever one who couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Anyways, this isn't even on topic, but there's a part of him that understands what Ryuji's talking about, but another which struggles to. He'd only crash-landed into his own agency a short while ago, and even then, he delegates most of it to Ryo.
He waits until Ryuji's done. He'd thought something along those lines, but... He's happy he told him — honored in a way, actually. Akira hadn't really filled this role for very many people; outside of Ryo and Miki, he hadn't really been flush for friends.]
thanks for telling me dude I'm pretty sure I know how you feel, in a way at least
so why exactly are you scared? you were talkin about what people are telling you and expecting of you and all that do you worry about them? about what they might think or say? or are you surprised because youre different than you thought you were
[Akira's pretty convincing at it otherwise, though. He appears like he's always been this way, and in some regards, Ryuji feels like they're both pretty similar in temperament. The difference being, of course, that slow mechanic of time that sets them deeply apart. Ryuji's been through a lot; been let down more times than he can count, and every time it happens, he tries to push through it. He's not blessed, even though he's pretty convinced that he is, and has seen himself grow from someone who took the world as it was to being someone who wanted to look at it differently enough so that he could change it.
So the actual differences between the two are what provides perspective. Something has to change- something had to have changed for Akira to get him to the point where he is today- and even as Ryuji opens up to him, he feels particularly vulnerable. You don't grow up being the person Ryuji Sakamoto becomes ever wanting to feel that way.]
I kinda opened the door when I pried about you 'n Ryo-yo, but like. Yeah. Thanks for being cool about it. About everything, really. I wish I was brave as you to own up to your own feelings and shit but it's just something I've never been great at.
Screw what other people think, that shit doesn't bother me at all
You gotta live life the way you want to live it, right? I should probably take my own words here, but if other people don't like you, eff 'em. You don't gotta prove anything to anyone.
Which is
It's dumb since
Arghhh
This is so stupid I dunno how to put it into words!
It's just that like... I've always kinda wondered if I am? You know? And I've spent so long telling myself that I'm not and I don't know why I started doin' that shit to begin with. So I'm just angry. I'm so goddamn angry at myself for being this way.
[That was just the nature of the particular transformation he had undergone. It's not as though he'd lost something or gained something - it was more like he'd just realized he'd only been a vessel half-full his entire life, and then he was filled up to capacity with something else, and then mixed thoroughly into a cocktail that was neither entirely what he or that other something were before. It kinda scares him sometimes, the thought that he'd never really be exactly that person ever again, but, well.
That's a conversation for another day.
For every other person that wasn't Akira Fudo, to be open and honest was to be vulnerable. But Akira had always presented that vulnerability to the world, wearing its judgments, inviting them rather than hiding from them. It'd been his paradoxical armor against criticism and ridicule. He is simply uniquely equipped to deal with conversations like this.]
yeah of course ryuji and well... "brave" is a nice thing to call it, but Ive always been kinda reckless with stuff like this it doesnt always go well but I kinda lucked out this time
[He probably would have shriveled up and expired if Ryo had actually rebuffed him, when he'd asked -
He reads carefully, inwardly digests, plans out what he says far more than he might usually (which is: not at all).]
its not stupid your heart doesnt think in words like your brain does makes it hard to figure out sometimes
yeah I know the feeling, really
so youre angry that you didnt let yourself think this way for so long?
[Just making sure he's not angry at himself for likin' guys, because if that's the case, he's going to have to track him down and shoosh him out of that.]
I mean... yeah. Usually bravery is just a label you apply after trying something really effin' reckless and it working. Sacrifice is when it ain't.
[#I'm14andthisisdeep]
Shit this stuff can't ever be easy, huh?
Usually speakin' it's easier to just let your heart do the talkin'. That's how impulse works, right?
Angry at myself, yeah. I kinda think all the times I've been really into people, I was probably not bein' true to myself? Or maybe I was, I dunno. Maybe it's just all bets are off since I've never really thought anything could work out between me and another guy. But thinkin' about that, maybe I always did? Just told myself I didn't.
really? idk dude I wouldnt beat yourself up about that. maybe you really were into them at the time, maybe you might not be as much now. shit just kinda happens and youre still figuring stuff out right? it always kinda sucks in retrospect but you couldntve known better. I mean I feel kinda frustrated about just kinda not thinkin about how I felt about ryo for as long as I did but whatre you gonna do at least youre startin to get it figured out now
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Almost. He takes a deep breath.]
if it was something actually important hed tell me
ok?
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Why does it gotta be important just to have it said?
If you're in a relationship that's just sort of... stuff you naturally share with someone.
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you know what ryuji? youre right. you dont get the whole picture
I've known ryo for over ten years. hes always been different. when we were kids, people tried over and over to understand him or get him to do what they want but it never worked the way they wanted it.
I'm not even sure how many of those bastards even cared about actually helping him
but I've always been able to tell how he feels without him having to tell me
because maybe he just... can't
and its not perfect and I dont always know what I'm doing but its been a really long time and it seems to work
its better than other people tryin to force him into something just cause thats how people are "supposed" to be
so if you think you know better than me, fine, I'll listen
I dont know a whole lot of things
but when it comes to ryo, I know better than anyone
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Dude...
This is literally what you said to me and I'm just pasting exactly what you told me:
>>@dabil [22:53]
usually he just seems kinda annoyed with me and then it goes away
so I just kinda let it go
If that's seriously what you're going through, no matter how much or how long you've known someone for, it's messed up. I'm not even sayin that like... whatever, you don't have to be in a conventional relationship by anyone's standards, you are totally cool doing and being whatever the hell you wanna be bc that's how life is?
But like
If you're in a relationship with someone and they're angry at you and won't tell you why so you just make it by and figure it'll get better by itself, it ain't? You gotta tell him that. Before it gets worse. And yeah, I kinda do know a lot about this shit
Fuck, I saw my mom go through it for the first 12 years of my life
And it sucks.
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I said "annoyed," which is a long ways away from being really truly pissed about something, and "usually," for something that only happens every once in a while anyway
because sometimes people just do stuff that annoys you and then you get over it and its not a big fucking deal?
that really sucks and I'm sorry dude but
I just think youre blowing what I'm saying out of proportion
regardless all of this shit has literally happened in the last 48 hours and I'm still working through a lot of stuff and this is just making me stressed so can you just drop it for right now
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I've been around a LOT OF bad shit when it comes to this stuff and it's so goddamn upsetting when it happens to someone you care about, y'know?
[His parents, Ann and Kamoshida, Kamoshida and Shiho, that weird S&M relationship, the stalker, the little brother who was manipulating his older brother... it happened over and over again, the signs are always too fresh in his mind. Too many hearts had to be stolen to correct how shitty human beings really were. Too much distrust in people to chill out over.]
If you think it's okay, I shouldn't go and question you or anything on it
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People - both adults and children - had treated Ryo so terribly when they were kids. They still seemed to regard him odd, separating him from themselves, unsure of how to deal with him. There's a bit of that he thinks can't really be helped, but he's just defensive; he just wants other people to see him the way he does.]
its ok ryuji
youre just worried for me. I get it... and that means a lot. thanks
so I guess I wasnt super truthful with you
we are together? ish
we just havent really talked about it
so I dont really know what to call it
so uh
keep it between us for now ok?
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He trusts Akira, weirdly enough- and he'll leave it at that.]
Listen, man... I definitely DON'T wanna beat a dead horse here but if it ever gets too rough and you just need a place to chill, room 4.28 is always open. I'll always be here for you, kay? Even if it's just to like... hang out and talk about... I dunno, what horrible goddamn food there is on the station.
Anyway, I'm happy for ya nonetheless.
I'll keep it under wraps.
Hey, how'd you know, though?
That it'd be Ryo.
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alright I'll keep that in mind
thanks dude
if we do decide to have a hangout session remind me to bring some of the food I still got stashed away
youre homesick for Japanese food right?
[It'd taken an enormous amount of self-control, but he'd rationed out the konbini food he'd found in his room. If he were home, he would've eaten it all in one sitting, but here, without the promise of more, he has to be miserly.]
hm
I dont know its kinda hard to explain
like
I knew the guy years and years ago when we were kids and then he moved away and only came back like a few weeks ago
I've... always cared about him you know?
and then we were back together again and I felt so much better with him around
it just kinda came out of that I guess
maybe I'd always held a torch for him and I just now realized hed even be interested in that
[Because, you know, he's blind.]
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JAPANESE FOOD
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING OUT
[The hunger Runs Deep.]
Wait what
You're going to set Ryo-yo on fire?
I don't get it
Why would you do that
Is he into getting burned
[God...]
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lets just not eat it all at once because idk when I'll get more?
I got some chocolate and some ramen left I think
[He'd only gotten like five items to begin with. ): He wants crates of the stuff.]
haha hell yeah I am
I mean he might be idk
[Wait. No. Oops.]
no I mean I guess I mightve had a crush on him for a long time
I just didnt really realize it until kinda recently
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Dropped in my toilet
Real effin funny, space ghosts.
[He's still so, so, pissed about how this all turned out.]
You're right. One rice cracker per day and we only have to ration it out for the next....
Forever, I guess.
Damn, that's depressing.
[And onto Ryo- because he's mildly curious. Also, what the fuck Akira.]
What's it feel like though? A crush. I mean, I've had those before, but how do you know if it's like
A crush or a crush?
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I found all of my stuff in the bathroom but at least it wasnt in the toilet
yeah
honestly livin in this place wouldnt even be all that bad if the food was better
man what I wouldnt do for some real food
[He'll never take it for granted again... He wouldn't even besmirch the mostly-vegetarian fare at the Makimura's house anymore after this ordeal.]
huh?
what do you mean
whats the difference
[Are there multiple kinds????]
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[They needed to exorcise the demons that lived in there. They'd seen too many horrors and had a vengeful heart.]
I kinda agree man
I mean, back home I didn't have much goin' for me anyway, you know? At least here I get to hang out with my friends and keep bein' there for everyone.
And
I dunno
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's the whole world of just kinda liking someone and thinkin' they're neat. But not doin' anything about it since it's just... y'know a crush. You know it'd never work out so you never try? Is that weird?
And then there's the world where you don't even wanna think about it and you end up thinkin' about it anyway and you go around just wanting it more and more everyday?
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why the hell did you waste a perfectly good burrito down the tubes??
[Akira's got some experience dealing with demons, but he isn't sure he wants to go grapplin' with one that lives in the septic system.]
yeah
home was kinda a mess for me so
[He still worries about Miki and her family every day, but it's not like he can do anything about it. The powerlessness is infuriating, but what could he do, with millions of light-years separating them?]
I dont think thats weird
its scary
especially when you dont wanna weird them out but
yeah
I know what you mean
[He himself had done the exact same thing until the pressure of it had overwhelmed the apprehension, the shred of possibility far too tantalizing to allow to escape.]
if its at that sort of point
it aint gonna get any better
not in my experience anyway
I guess you gotta think instead about why you dont wanna think about it
see if thats even worth anything
and then make a decision from there
because unfortunately with shit like this it can end up hurting either way but at least if you take a chance theres a possibility it will work out you know?
otherwise youre just always gonna think about the "what if"
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I guess I'm kinda getting used to the protein slop
You could probably just slam it all on a plate, close your eyes and it'll taste the same no matter what you asked it to make
Which sucks
[Okay, but not talking about food for a second--]
You think so?
It's only gonna get worse...
Man, it's so goddamn nerve wracking
Like I can deal with rejection
I CAN TOTALLY DEAL WITH REJECTION
I've been rejected so many times before it ain't even funny
But I think this one? If it happens... I dunno... I feel like it'll really kill me.
And the feelings themselves are really confusing because this is... I mean it's DEFINITELY not my type of person that I usually find myself attracted to, y'know? And that alone is also kinda freaking me the hell out?
Sorry, I'm just a mess of anxiety over it, in the end
Tell me if I'm bothering you ok
I don't wanna blast your ear off or nothing
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thats how I feel about a lot of the food that comes out of those machines
best just flushed down a damn toilet
[But yeah, onto more serious topics.]
I guess I could sugarcoat it but I feel like it wouldnt really be the best thing in the end
some crushes do go away when you get some space from that person but
some just get stronger yeah? so if thats what you think might be happening
its tricky
ok, just, try not to die, youre cool and I'd be super bummed
so uh... not your usual type how? why is it freaking you out
if you dont mind me asking
and no dude were friends right?
I'm here to help you out
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I'm not literally dying, at least not anytime soon so you don't gotta cry over me too much bro. You think I could leave you alone? Get real.
Cause like... you know you think you always have some sorta ideal type, or at least all those video games and tv shows always kinda encourage that, right? So you grow up thinkin' you're all one way. Yeah, I like a girl that's smarter than me, someone who's funny and can make me run circles around her, someone that makes me wanna be a better person and not so dumb all the time, a good person and someone you can rely on all the time. And then the physical traits too, of course, right? Blond, killer smile, cute...
So what if they had all that stuff but there's one big thing that you're havin' trouble getting over and it that makes you think you didn't really understand yourself all that well to begin with
Ah shit, I don't know where I'm goin with this
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I've just never been the best at lying, so
well good
[He can't make any promises about not crying over you, though. Or about you. Or for you. He has no control over that aspect of himself.]
wow you put a lot of thought into that
I dont think I ever got it down to a uh... specific formula like that but yeah I think I know what you mean?
its ok dude you dont gotta go somewhere specific, were just talkin
well how big and bad is that one thing though
you said theyre a good person right so its not like theyre a murderer or anything
does it really override all the other stuff?
[He's starting to have an idea, but Ryuji's gonna have to tell him.
(Also Akira has literally seen Ryo kill people and is still with him, so.)]
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And it's big, but it ain't bad. I know it shouldn't matter but I've just never really thought about myself feelin' this way to someone before
I mean
Whatever, screw it, if I can't even be honest with myself what's the point
It's with another dude and I'm really fucking scared about that
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Even with demons driving a wedge between people, he'd struggled to grasp his own perceptions of people, of society, of the world itself. His brain didn't really work on that scope. He saw people — individuals — and he saw the struggles of their hearts; ever one who couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Anyways, this isn't even on topic, but there's a part of him that understands what Ryuji's talking about, but another which struggles to. He'd only crash-landed into his own agency a short while ago, and even then, he delegates most of it to Ryo.
He waits until Ryuji's done. He'd thought something along those lines, but... He's happy he told him — honored in a way, actually. Akira hadn't really filled this role for very many people; outside of Ryo and Miki, he hadn't really been flush for friends.]
thanks for telling me dude
I'm pretty sure I know how you feel, in a way at least
so why exactly are you scared?
you were talkin about what people are telling you and expecting of you and all that
do you worry about them? about what they might think or say?
or are you surprised because youre different than you thought you were
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So the actual differences between the two are what provides perspective. Something has to change- something had to have changed for Akira to get him to the point where he is today- and even as Ryuji opens up to him, he feels particularly vulnerable. You don't grow up being the person Ryuji Sakamoto becomes ever wanting to feel that way.]
I kinda opened the door when I pried about you 'n Ryo-yo, but like. Yeah. Thanks for being cool about it. About everything, really. I wish I was brave as you to own up to your own feelings and shit but it's just something I've never been great at.
Screw what other people think, that shit doesn't bother me at all
You gotta live life the way you want to live it, right? I should probably take my own words here, but if other people don't like you, eff 'em. You don't gotta prove anything to anyone.
Which is
It's dumb since
Arghhh
This is so stupid I dunno how to put it into words!
It's just that like... I've always kinda wondered if I am? You know? And I've spent so long telling myself that I'm not and I don't know why I started doin' that shit to begin with. So I'm just angry. I'm so goddamn angry at myself for being this way.
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That's a conversation for another day.
For every other person that wasn't Akira Fudo, to be open and honest was to be vulnerable. But Akira had always presented that vulnerability to the world, wearing its judgments, inviting them rather than hiding from them. It'd been his paradoxical armor against criticism and ridicule. He is simply uniquely equipped to deal with conversations like this.]
yeah of course ryuji
and well... "brave" is a nice thing to call it, but Ive always been kinda reckless with stuff like this
it doesnt always go well but I kinda lucked out this time
[He probably would have shriveled up and expired if Ryo had actually rebuffed him, when he'd asked -
He reads carefully, inwardly digests, plans out what he says far more than he might usually (which is: not at all).]
its not stupid
your heart doesnt think in words like your brain does
makes it hard to figure out sometimes
yeah
I know the feeling, really
so youre angry that you didnt let yourself think this way for so long?
[Just making sure he's not angry at himself for likin' guys, because if that's the case, he's going to have to track him down and shoosh him out of that.]
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[#I'm14andthisisdeep]
Shit this stuff can't ever be easy, huh?
Usually speakin' it's easier to just let your heart do the talkin'. That's how impulse works, right?
Angry at myself, yeah. I kinda think all the times I've been really into people, I was probably not bein' true to myself? Or maybe I was, I dunno. Maybe it's just all bets are off since I've never really thought anything could work out between me and another guy. But thinkin' about that, maybe I always did? Just told myself I didn't.
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damn dude
yeah
[Ryuji's full of surprises.]
nah
that would defeat the point probably
really? idk dude I wouldnt beat yourself up about that. maybe you really were into them at the time, maybe you might not be as much now. shit just kinda happens and youre still figuring stuff out right?
it always kinda sucks in retrospect but you couldntve known better. I mean I feel kinda frustrated about just kinda not thinkin about how I felt about ryo for as long as I did but
whatre you gonna do
at least youre startin to get it figured out now
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this is so cute i hate it
i, in fact, love it
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